Having defeated the snake by throwing an apple at it, which makes a green broomstick appear elsewhere in the house, which turns into the missing princess Esther when you take it. Was the Witch in the cooking pot? Was it alarmed? Doesn't matter. "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!" laughs the game, summoning the Witch to curse your family with branded images of your screaming face on their buttocks. So, yes, Granny's Garden, I call your bluff! YES, I say. Well, a pot seems safe enough, right? It may even have a spell in it that I can use later.
"There is a huge cooking pot hanging over a very hot fire," the game teases, whistling innocently. Think you can do better in the Kitchen? Just try it. "The stick was an evil magic wand," the game chortles, like the most punchable kind of Dungeon Master.
You have a stick and apple in your inventory. For instance, there's a snake in the basement. Unfortunately, the other traps make much less sense. Do you take it? "Silly silly silly!" the game shouts, summoning the Witch to tear off your flesh and make a puppet out of your still quivering bones. One of them is fairly obvious-a red broomstick. Just stare at the screen for several minutes, lost in deep thought, trying to unpick it and savour her frustrated fury at not being able to shout "It's FIG! FIG! Are you blind AND stupid? FIG! " Sigh. (In Miss Wood's class, it was funny to pretend not to be able to solve this. Get it wrong a third time and it just tells you the answer outright, but still insists you type it in yourself. Get it wrong again and it tells you to look for the blue letters. What's the password? Get it wrong and it patiently tells you it's written on the wall. The puzzle above is the first real one (and bear in mind that this is a game for kids). Much like Miss Wood, whose catchphrase was "It's a disgrace! A disgrace!", Granny's Garden has little tolerance for stupidity, real or imagined.
GRANNY HORROR GAME IN NIGHTMARE MANUAL
Said manual is actually pretty ballsy, not just for all the typos (including talk of kids' "motovation", the game's "grate" features and the "Wiched Witch"), but for a whole section that suggests teachers actively think up explanations for the game's nonsense logic, like why one character eats keys, how the hell an apple can kill a snake, why a witch's broomstick simply appears out of nowhere for one puzzle, and most incredibly of all, why a Chinese caricature called Ah-Choo keeps sneezing.
GRANNY HORROR GAME IN NIGHTMARE FULL
The whole thing is a game being played by a couple of her grand-kids to entertain themselves in her apparently phenomenal garden full of caves, huts and dragon cities, but you'd only know that if your teacher bothered to read the manual and tell you. This made lots of kids scratch their heads at time, wondering just who this Granny was. Granny's Garden is an odd title, since as far as the game's concerned (until the very last line), you're actually a noble adventurer questing through the mysterious Kingdom of the Mountains in search of the King and Queen and their missing children.
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